We all saw it. That performance. Miley's 2013 VMA performance will go down in infamy, like the Madonna/Britney Kiss or Kanye vs. Taylor. What is it about the VMAs that spark this lust for notoriety that seems to explode from celebrities - namely teen celebrities.
Because that's what the huge controversy is about. Miley Cyrus is a girl who we all first knew as Hannah Montana. She performed as a country sweetheart who captured the heart of millions with her platinum blonde wig. (Maybe she's trying to recapture that with her ice blonde Draco Malfoy-esq hairdo? Maybe not.) But then, she outgrew Hannah and wanted to be Miley. Which is absolutely fine.
And it got me to thinking about all the other teen idols we've looked up to who've been led astray. The most obvious example and the best for me is Britney. Britney is my Miley.
She was a star, America's Sweetheart and she crumbled. But the fact is, even in her worst times she was never quite as exhausting and horrifying as Miley. In my contemplation and comparison of the two I looked back on both Britney and Miley's pasts - good and bad.
I remembered my favourite performances: It's 2001 and Britney is dancing with a snake. In 2009 Miley is rocking some cowboy boots and singing about Partying in the USA.
And I remembered the worst. If this VMA performance for Miley is her worst, we surely know which one was Britney's. 2007. That's all I need to say.
But as I rewatched that video I realised, even in her most cringy and embarrassing performance, Britney was still better than Miley. Britney attempted to keep up with dance moves that were sexy without being tacky. And Miles, nothing is tackier than fake penises and grinding up on a married man who probably didn't ask for a twenty year old's bottom on his crotch. Britney's outfit, though not one of her best, was typical to Britney's signature style. No-one quite does the crop top like Ms. Spears. Miley wore rubber. RUBBER. And she couldn't even keep her bottom in the knickers. Britt was overweight at the time and still managed it.
So I'm not a Miley hater. I'm a Miley commentator. That performance was embarrassing to watch and if she turns up with a shaved head soon, I won't be surprised. I only hope that she takes the lead from our beloved Britney and comes back with a bang. Britney does things with grace and class these days and she will always be the Princess of Pop with her beautifully choreographed dances and her fierce wardrobe. Whereas Miley looks like she's trying too hard.
See, here's the thing. She wants to reinvent herself. I get that. She wants to make sure Hannah Montana is left in Montana (wherever that may be.) I understand. I had a middle parting age 12 that I'm desperately trying to forget. This, I imagine, is similar for Miley.
But nothing in her performance makes sense. Why bears? Why the foam finger? WHY THE RUBBER CLOTHES THAT DON'T FIT? But it's 'art' they may say. Why not, they may ask. This doesn't make her cutting edge. It just makes her bizarre.
Someone on Buzzfeed epitomised it for me. The look/feel/act she was going for: Stripper Chic.
Hell, every female pop-star in the world does Stripper Chic. Hello?! Christina Aguilera, Dirty: Stripper Chic. Rihanna, S&M: Stripper Chic. Britney Spears, Slave 4 U: STRIPPER CHIC.
And Miley, all you did at the VMAs was stick your tongue out and rub a foam finger on your crotch. That's not attractive, nor is it sending the message that girls can be sexy and still have some element of sophistication.
Well, you achieved your goal. You stole the show and you put Hannah Montana in the past. Well done. But you also ruined yourself in the process. You're not a Pop Princess anymore. You're just a girl who's not yet a woman and in the development process, you're trying too hard. I'm sorry Miley, but you went too far.
It makes me kind of miss the days of TCAs when she danced on a pole. Or that lesbian kiss on BGT.
All you want to do is grow up Miley - but to do that, you need to have some maturity. So please, take out the little bunches that make you look like an animal off Arthur, put your tongue away, get off Robin Thicke (he is mine, back away) and go and find your cowboy boots.
We loved you then and we're sad for you now.
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